If you are already a very experienced and successful negotiator, then this book is probably not of so much help to you. But if you happen to be someone like me (I hope not), then this is something I highly recommend. It's not just about getting what you want, it is also about helping others get what they want. Somehow, by reading it I learn to try to put myself into the other person's shoe rather than how to negotiate. Perhaps mutual understanding, tolerance and patience are the keys to successful negotiations and healthy relationships.
[Favorite quotes]
The most important asset you have in any human interaction is your credibility. If people don't believe you, it's hard to convince them of anything. Your credibility is more important than your expertise, connections, intelligence, assets, and looks. (P.19)
..., if you are very aggressive, warn people in the beginning. ...First, it takes away the issue by resetting expectations. Second, it makes you more real; it increases your credibility. Third, it eliminates the need for you to do any sort of dance, to act in a way that is unnatural to you. Now you can focus on meeting your goals. (P.19)
In our imaginations, big, bold moves produce big successes. In the real world, big, bold moves mostly scare people away: you are trying to go too far, too fast. Small incremental steps accomplish more. (P.20)
Incremental steps give other people a chance to catch their breath, look around, decide if the steps you've taken feel good, and then move on with confidence. Incremental steps anchor people to the step or steps they have already accepted. They reduce the perceived risk of moving forward. (P.21)
If you overuse your power, for example, you can lose your power. If you are too extreme, you can seem unreasonable to others and lessen your ability to meet your goals. People hate it when others try to exert power over them. They then try to undermine you and change the power balance.
And such, power is a complicated concept. People like to have power. So, by giving people power or validating their power, they feel good and will give things to you in return. (P.23)
Great negotiators are made, not born. Excellence comes from focus and practice. (P.24)
Let's define trust. Trust is a feeling of security that other person will protect you. With some trust, another person will help you until it's too risky for them or a better opportunity comes along. With a lot of trust, the other party will help you even if it harms them. It is very important to understand the trust dynamic. The major component of trust is honesty - being straight with people. Trust does not mean that both sides agree with each other, or are always pleasant to each other. It does mean, however, the parties believe each other. Your credibility is the most important negotiation tool you have. The opposite of trust is, of course, dishonesty, or lying. It includes any action that deceives other people. That includes telling the truth in such a way that you omit facts and create a false impression. It can be clever manipulation of emotions. It can be the distorting of information, bluffing (making threats or promises you don't intend to carry out), undermining the credibility of others through selectively chosen information.
Trust is something that develops slowly, over time. It is an emtional commitment to one another based on mutual respect, eithics, and good feeling. It includes the notion that people care about others and will not try to grab everything for themselves. If you are unsure of the relationship, don't trust the other person. Don't make yourself vulnerable to them. The right response to an untrustworthy person is not to be untrustworthy back. Why destroy your credibility just because they have destroyed theirs? (P.48)
What is needed is a commitment. Trust is only one way to get a commitment. ... The important thing is, you need to get a commitment in the way they make commitments, not in the way you make commitments. Your word is your bond? Who cares? Is their word their bond? Don't just assume that just because you make your commitment one way, they will make a commitment the same way.
For many people, the other person's perception is not there at all on all kinds of subjects. Many people think that others who don't see their point of view are being thick, stubborn, or unreasonable. (P.59)
Most people will give you the means to persuade them if ou watch and listen carefully. Too often, we don't notice enough about others. Noticing signals of all sorts - verbal and nonverbal - provides much information that can be used for persuasion. (P.75)
In thousands of different ways, small and large, if you listen and watch other people carefully, they will give you means to persuade them. (P.76)
Let's say you are making decision that affects other people. ... You don't consult everyone that it affects; you make the decision on your own. What happens? The first thing that most likely happens is that people will oppose you just because you have devalued them. You didn't think enough of their opinions to ask them, even though the decision affected them. It doesn't matter whether they have anything worthwhile to say, or whether you already know what they are going to say. By failing to consult them, you are alienating people. Instead of saving time, it will cost you time. They will go out of their way to think of roadblock. This is because you sent a nonverbal signal that their opinions were not worth hearing. ... You don't have to use their opinions. You can explain why you make the decision you did. If you get pushback, you will at least have consulted them. And they will be less emotional, because you have valued them. (P.79-80)
If you think more broadly about the things you can trade off, you will make your relationships better. Things that seemed completely inflexible and difficult suddenly will become easier. That means if you really have to have the Corvette, then your wife should get something for her hobby, too. If he helps with the gardening, she doesn't complain when he watches football. She decorates her living room, he decorates the garage. He plays cards with his buddies; she has a "girls' night out." (P.126)
What all this involves is an attitude change. It means thinking more about the upside than the downside. It has a lot to do with the waz people look at problems. ... You are going to get hit with a certain number of problems in your life. You will have to spend time dealing with them. The attitude adjustment you should want to make is, as long as you have to deal with these problems, what kind of opportunity can you make out of them? You only have so much time in your life. Why not use them wisely? It doesn't take a lot of time to figure out opportunities hiding inside problems. You just have to look for the opportunities. Instead of thinking that a problem is a drag to deal with, think of a problem as an opportunity waiting to be recognized and developed. ... The process does involve going out of your way to try to make the other person happy. That means you have to all but give up the idea of getting "leverage," advantage or power, over others, unless it's hard-bargaining situation. Pushing other people just causes others to try to protect themselves - or hurt you - instead of expansively finding opportunities. (P.128)
We must start a negotiation thinking about the picture in the heads of the other party. ... In other situations, the emotional payment could be an apology, words of empathy, or concession. It could just be hearing out someone who is upset. Emotional payments have the effect of calming people down. They get people to listen and be ready to think more about their own welfare. They start from irrationality and move people, little by little, toward a better result, if not a rational one. Emotion is the enemy of negotiations and of effective negotiators. People who are emotional stop listening. They often become unpredictable and rarely are able to focus on their goals. Because of that, they often hurt themselves and don't meet their goals. (P.135)
Emotion, used here, is when one is so overcome with one's won feelings that he or she stops listening and is often self-destructive. The person can no longer focus on his or her goals and needs. Empathy, by contrast, is when one is focused on the feelings of the other person. It means being compassionate and sympathetic. In other words, emotion is about you, empathy is about the other party. Empathy is highly effective. Emotion is not. Genuine displays of emotion - love, sadness, joy - are of course part of life. But it's important to recognize that these emotions, while real, reduce listening and therefore are not useful in negotiations where processing information is critical. ... The feelings can be needed and important, but not effective to reach well-considered results. Indeed, emotions have often been used to push people to do things they later regrets,... it is possible to be dispassionate and compassionate at the same time. "By reducing the emotional content, I learned that negotiations are not tests of sentiment, but rather an opportunity to systematically define the path to success," (P.136)
Emotion destroys negotiations and limits creativity. Focus is lost. Decision-making is poor. Retaliation often occurs. (P.137)
Demands to "take it or leave it" increase rejection rates, studies show. People perceive them as unfair and will sometimes reject good deals out of spite. ... Empathy and consultation were emotional payments. Emotion reduces people's information-processing ability. That means they don't take the time to explore creative options. They don't look at all the facts and circumstances. They don't look for ways to expand the pie. As a result, they don't get more. In fact, emotional people, studies show, care less about getting a deal that meets their needs than about hurting the other party. (P.138)
The way to repair most relationships, before things fester, is to be more direct, offer the other person emotional payment, ask more questions, listen first, and consider the feelings and sensibilities of the other person. ... any chapter on relationships must start with the premise that ou should strive to form a relationship only with people who are trustworthy. (P. 249)
The strongest basis for a relationship is an attraction based on feelings. This includes personal chemistry, trust, mutual needs, social bonds, shared experiences, and common enemies. The stronger these qualities, the more of a commitment that people make to each other. (P.250)
An emotional payment is somthing that makes the other party feel better: empathy, an apology, a concession. It can include all sorts of intangible things, such as respect, face-saving, a statement of the other person's value. (P.250)
You may have to overcome their saying mean, hurtful things to you, which they say not because they mean it but because you are the only one around and they need to vent. ... And you MUST take their irrational words or mood at face value and start there. This is because people who need emotional payment are hardly listening. (P.250)
People in romantic relationships are looking for "unconditional love." That doesn't mean you can't offer constructive criticism. It means that the other person in your relationship wants your love and support no matter what. They want you to love and value them despite their foibles. This contrasts sharply with the tradional, more destructive, action of withholding emotional support as part of a "relationship" negotiation. (P.252)
Emotional payments also include the notion of "saving face." It's often associated with Asian cultures, although its usage is much broader. It really has to do with helping the other person maintain his or her dignity and sparing embarrassment in the presence of those they care about. (P.253)
Resist the temptation to make fun of the other person's perceptions. If you don't take their fears and feelings seriously, they will be angry and resent you for it. (P.253)
... to some ground rules in dealing with each other: (a) Tone is very important in a discussion like this. (b) We're not going to solve every issue at once. (c) Everyone can't get everything they want all the time. (d) The "I'm right, you're wrong" syndrome doesn't work very well in relationships. (e) Whatever our beliefs are, we each respect the other's beliefs. Finally, (f) if tension develops, STOP! Take a break, come back to it later. (P.255)
All successful relationships depend to a degree on quid pro quo. People do things for one another. Relationships almost always dissolve when one person forces his or her will on another. Trading items of unequal value is one way to solve potential relationship disputes on a daily basis. (P.257)
Although standards are best in hard-barginer situations, they can also be useful in relationships. Be careful how you use them, as they can be perceived as aggressive. (P.262)
When using standards in relationship situations, tone is very important. That's because standards tend to push people by using their own criteria. A cold or even neutral tone can cause the relationship to fray. (P.264)
Goals, the be-all and end-all of negotiation, are especially hard in relationships. That's because the currency in most relationships is emotion, and most emotions cloud clarity about goals. (P.264)
Successful negotiation in a relationship requires empathy - sensitivity to the other person's feelings and perceptions - as much as it requires focus on your goals. (P. 265)
... manipulations is hurting someone in the process of persuading them. Effective negotiation is when you get them to do things that help them. Both manipulation and negotiation get people to do things they might otherwise not do. But that is true of all forms of persuasion. They key is whether or not you are doing it for the right reasons, and the effect on the other party. (P.266)
Unless you are trying to hurt the other party or the relationship, you want the parties to be as comfortable as possible. People who are uncomfortable get cranky. And cranky is bad for negotiations. Now let's talk abou the psychological setting. Preventing yourself from being emotionally out of control is essential to maintaining a stable long-term relationship. The more you are seen to act out, the less reliable you seem to others - including those who love you. Empathy and passionate romance are lovely. Over the long term, however, people want a safe harbor, not stormy weather, however exciting at the time. (P.270) -Aiyo, words of wisdom!!! I'm sorry for having been so irrational and emotional!!!
[小豆碎碎念] Never knew that we were negotiating. But the more I read this book, the clearer things appear to me. Guess someone had been right about my being too emotional which made me the worst negotiator. This is the reason why we should read, like my German teacher had said, Wissen ist Macht, knowledge is power!
越是冷靜理性思考，越是覺得似乎一切不是那麼公平。你問我有沒有責任，有，我有。你問我該不該反省，應該，絕對應該。你問我生不生氣，我不生氣，我只是難過。難過原來我誤會了，原來其實不是想像的那樣。這不是對方的錯，而是自己錯誤的認知，導致自己陷入痛苦渾沌的狀態。能怪別人嗎？不能。甚至連辯白、談判的機會都沒有。所以，只能期待，到了那一天，來到神的面前時，可以把自己真的想說的，通通講個明白。我很任性，可是我不是笨蛋。我知道我不好、不完美甚至有時侯還很壞，可是我也有思想、有感覺還有尊嚴。怎麼可以直接定罪判我死刑，不給上訴還馬上執行。這樣會讓人死不瞑目好嗎! 現在的我只會哭，只會傷心，只會不斷地祝福人家。希望以後能夠更堅強，更懂事，絕對不要再讓人有機會對我像對待一隻小狗，被丟棄了還傻乎乎搖尾巴，滿心期待主人歸來。
不過以前的主人啊～小狗還是希望你一切都好，希望你平安幸福，希望你有神的眷顧! (搞什麼，為什麼變成忠犬小豆了!!!當敗犬女王還有氣勢開心一點><)
